We had a critical hotfix to deploy. The bug was losing the company $10k a minute. I just needed to run the deployment script. Unfortunately, the Sysadmin team had just rolled out the new mandatory “Mental Health & Wellness” kernel module.

marcus@prod-deploy-01:~/app$date
Fri May 21 17:01:02 PDT 2027
marcus@prod-deploy-01:~/app$./deploy.sh --force
      .--.     .'_\/_'.     '. /\ .'   WellnessOS v2.0 (Stable)       "||"     "Namaste, Admin."        ||     /\ || /\    (  \||/  )     \  ||  /      ' -- ' [!] COMMAND BLOCKED Reason: It is currently 17:01. Working hours ended at 17:00. Suggestion: Go home. Hug your family. Touch grass.
Are you kidding me? The site is down.
marcus@prod-deploy-01:~/app$sudo ./deploy_hotfix.sh --force
[sudo] password for marcus: [!] SUDO DENIED Analysis: The use of 'sudo' implies urgency, which creates cortisol. Cortisol is bad for your long-term health. Action: This incident has been logged with 'People Ops' as a potential burnout risk.
I am going to throw this laptop out the window. Maybe I can trick it by changing the system time.
marcus@prod-deploy-01:~/app$sudo date -s "16:00:00"
[!] TIME MANIPULATION DETECTED Analysis: Denial is the first stage of grief. Action: Playing soothing ocean sounds via PC Speaker. Locking terminal for 10 minutes for a mandatory 'Mindfulness Break'.
It’s actually beeping at me. This is insane.
marcus@prod-deploy-01:~/app$kill -9 -1
[!] VIOLENT LANGUAGE DETECTED The command 'kill' is on the banned words list for maintaining a positive workplace culture. Please consider using non-violent alternatives such as:   - 'transition-process'   - 'release-to-universe'   - 'conscious-uncoupling' Action: Replacing your shell with 'eliza-therapy-bot'. Hello, Marcus. I see you are trying to 'kill' something. Do you feel like your father didn't listen to you enough? > _